He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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