I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
