I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
