Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
