woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
