i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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