our cab driver is having phone sex.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
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at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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