take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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