When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
