Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
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