I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
