Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
