If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
My bed smells like the plague
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
