I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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