note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
