fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Randomize
