A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
