Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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