So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
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In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
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The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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