my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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