just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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