I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
