Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
