I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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