so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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