I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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