If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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