dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
