well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
