If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
