She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
