eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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