He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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