if you like me you must not know who I am
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
