what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
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