Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
