Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
It's never too late to be topless.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
