I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
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