and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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