My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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