...so i touched it.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
