I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
