sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Is her dick bigger than yours?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
