I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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