so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Dicks are not precious.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
