The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
