Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
We were destined to go to rehab together
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
