i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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