I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
