Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
