the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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