a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
